Endorphins, Cranks & Sex

To sum up how my day was, it's best to let me tell you how it started...

Alarm goes off "buzz-buzz-buzz-buzz!" Startled, I wake, swing my body over quickly to shut it off, and I'm thrown to the floor, and a heap of blankets land on top of me. "buzz-buzz-buzz!"....

You would think that there would be nowhere to go but up after waking up like that. BUT I pretty much just kept the suck knob on all day. It was 99% job related. I could go on and on about how I hate my job, how I've done the same thing every day for the past 16 years, and how I dream about telling certain folks to go have copious amounts of sex with themselves on an almost hourly basis. How I'm 37 years old and feel like I get talked to like I'm 17 by those same copious self sexing wished people. I could mention all that shit. But I won't. (Edit- Oops!)

There were a few bright spots sprinkled through the day though. Including an early morning phone conversation with the McKeesport Post Office that was ACTUALLY productive. The result had them leaving my new crank in the door, rather than me driving to pick it up and being late for the hated job mentioned above. I was totally surprised at their willingness to work with me. Often, dealing with the USPS can be about as productive racing without a chain.

So thanks to Mr. Postman being cool, I was able do my best to turn a blind eye to the shit at work and just look forward to coming home and getting seriously intimate with my crank. For the folks that commented in my last post about the blingality of my new crank, I need to clarify for my own conscience (and the fact that Wifey DOES read the blog and is familiar with a little site called Google) that I scored this for OVER 60% OFF during a big ass sale that Chain Reaction Cycles over in England was having. Shipping to the States was free and I gotz me a crank I've been lusting for a long time.

The crank was back ordered for a while, but in the end, I am left in a continued frothy state of Velosturbation that started upon picking up my new wheels last weekend and continues today! They still have some XTRs on sale, although they are a little more now but still HUNDREDS less than I've seen here in the U.S.. I would never, EVER pay the MSRP for these cranks. EVER! I also picked up some Crank Skins via eBay to keep 'em looking pimp.

After my parts lust was satiated I got busy on the trainer, burned copious amounts of calories, and really got the endorphins going. When I headed to the Stankment I was a bear and ready to just crawl under a blanket with a six pack of Old Heathen, but 1:20 later I exited a new man. Even a bike going nowhere can get me in a better mood.

Then looking at the calorie burn chart on The Daily Plate made me giggle so much I could in NO WAY be in a bad mood anymore. The following is off color and a tad immature, but hey you ARE reading a blog called The Soiled Chamois, what id you expect?? Take a look at part of the chart here....
OK I won't even comment on the fact that someone would enter "Shearing Sheep" as their exercise for the day and I'll head RIGHT for the sex stuff.

What is the difference between "Sex" and "Sexual Activity"? Who is looking at the chart and saying "hmmm I didn't workout, but I DID have sex... I sort of just laid there though. And It wasn't very good, so I guess I'll just go with "Sexual Activity - Light." ???? Seriously, no one is checking "light". Personally I like to write it in the custom area, just to screw with the Daily Plate folks. My standby is "Sex- Vigorous, Sweaty, Never Ending, Like That of a Caged Panther (3,145 cals/hour)".

I also want to/have to/MUST know why "Sex - Vigorous" is 137 calories per hour and "Sexual Activity- Vigorous" is only 129 calories per hour??? Why is plain old sex burning 8 calories more? Why does "shaving" burn more calories? Why does it say "per hour"? If you combined all the times I've had sex in the past year it probably wouldn't amount to an hour. I find this amazingly hilarious. (And a tad sad).

Again I apologize for the tacky humor. Try to keep any comments you may want to make at least sort of clean. Folks read this shit at work. I mean what else is there to do at work?? "Read Blogs- Vigorous (7 calories)".

Time for some sleep. Doc appt. tomorrow to see why I might have got that blood clot and if I might have to stay on blood thinners for life. Shit I hope not.

Later.