An Open Can Of Suck

B-man went to hang with Papa-O' today, so that freed up my afternoon to get some miles in. The plan was to roll the Dos Niner on the shit roads, rail trail and back roads near my house. 2 to 3 hours was planned. After I made the B-Man delivery I hurried off to the ride's launching pad near the soccer fields. I had this feeling that I forgot something as I pulled into my parking nook. Helmet? Shoes? Bottles? Spare tube?

Soooo, PDQ I was back in the Soob and off to get my shoes that I left RIGHT were my bike was before I took it out out to mount up. This was the first time EVER that I forgot my shoes on a ride. Frig!!! So now I'm all freaked out because it's now 1:40 and I have yet to pedal one f*cking RPM. By the time I got BACK and all set to ride it was after 2. Shit!!

Serenity now... Serenity now.... Serenity now..... OK, OK, So I'm back and ready to ride. I took the Dos Niner today. It had been ages since I was on the Dos and I've yet to ride on my new wheelz that Tim The Enchanter built up for me. So I figured, what the hell. Roll the Dos on the shit road, maybe hit some ghetto single track and quad trails, who knows?

Right near where I park is an old defunct (or at least nasty ass) county park that folks ride ATVs in. I figured I'd ride a few of the trails to get some dirt under my wheels. I went about 30 feet, sunk 10 inches and flew over my bars. The hell with that!! So I scampered out of the woods and back to the road.

If you ever want to feel like a big sack of out of shape pig shit. Stuff you post holiday body into 5 layers of spandex, including a pair of tights that have NEVER fit, even when I was 20 pounds lighter! Size medium? What the f*ck was I thinking??. Then ride a 29er with FULL knobbies on pavement. You will start to entertain thoughts of climbing off your bike, laying down in the middle of the road, and praying that the next Camaro blaring vintage Aerosmith that comes by, runs right over your stuffed sausaged ass. Seriously.

The ride was only 2:10 and it was tough. Mentally and physically. Saturday and Sunday the bi-polar borderline temps had me over dressed. Today I was UNDER dressed. My legs felt like lead, and my mind could not get past the whirl of the knobbies and the stomach crushing, split nut hugging, feeling of being in tights that were indeed too TIGHT!

Have you ever been out on a road ride and you heard a freaking LOUD whirl coming at you, looked over your shoulder and see a Red Neck in a jacked up truck sporting mud tires like these?...

Today my tires sounded EXACTLY like the tires above and my legs felt like that's what they were pushing. The IRD/Panaracer Fire Pros make Maxxis CrossMarks look like 700c road slicks. I could not wait to get to the the link in the loop that would have me on the rail trail for a few miles. At least I could ditch that f*cking noise!!

The bad thing was that when I got the rail trail it was like wet sand. Not soaked, but not it's usual fast rolling lime stone self. I guess 110" of rain in a week WILL do that (that of course is an exaggeration).

I know I just did a LOT of bitching about today's ride, but I can't bitch TOO much. I was out for over 2 hours, in December, burned more calories than most people even consume in a day and made my legs feel like shit JUST by pushing hard on mountain bike with full knobbies. Will I do it again? NOT with the IRDs! I can tell you that, but yeah, I'll be riding the Mamasita more on the shit roads, but with CrossMarks or similar tire.

Even suffering, it was hard not to smile a LITTLE with the bright winter sun out in force today. It was sweet. It was like Helios was working some serious O.T.

I'm not much of a Pagan or into Greek Mythology (although I DO dance around in goat skin pants) but I guess sacrificing The Virgin Connie Swail last night really worked. Hmmmm....

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Things you DO NOT want to hear from the Hematologist' office that you just gave 5 viles of blood to last month in an attempt to figure out WHY, at 37, you have a blood clot in your leg...

Ring... ring... ring...
"Hello"
'Mr. Mahokey?"
"Yep."
This is "Pat" from Dr. "Can't Remember's" office, I have some bad news..."
(Bad news?? Gulp, might pass out, can't think...)
"Oh, what?"
"Your appointment on Friday needs to be moved"
Yada, yada, yada....

WHAT?? ARE YOU SERIOUS?? I almost passed out!! I mean REALLY!! Should a Doctors office REALLY say "Bad News" about anything OTHER than (Cancer, Heart Disease, Kidney Failure, etc., etc.,??) Oh well, at least it's none of those things. YET! Geeze-0-Wiz!!!

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Picking up my XB in the Xa.m.. Sweet! New year, new wheelz. Suck thing is, my rack parts are back ordered for a week. Oh well, the way I've been riding, I'm in NO hurry to get back out there! Kidding of course, the bike can fit in the back if I take a wheel off and lower the post.

Then tomorrow night Wifey, B-Man and I are heading to Yancey's digz for some New Year's eats and beer. Word has it if someone brings some Delirium Noel, Yancey might eat a whole sheet cake and pass out in his bathroom naked again. HA! Ah, it won't be that freaky. We're too old with too many important things in our lives- like bikes, kids and wives. In NO particular order! ;) Plus as I'm sure you'll be shocked.. I HATE New Years! Although I AM looking foward ditching 2008. There were some good things, but 2009 just HAS TO BE better!

Later.

P.S. made my version of THESE vegetarian Sloppy Joes tonight. I took a vegetarian version of this White Trash staple and made it my own with and extra helping of slack and a dollop of "Don't Have That". Good stuff.