Too Much (or not enough?) Time

These days I'm never sure if I have too much time or not enough. TOO much time to think about what I want to do this coming season. Hell, race #1 is only a few weeks away! (DEAR GOD!!). Last year was all about he hundies. I did Mohican, Lumberjack, The 101 and the SM100. I love the 100 mile races. I want to do more. But now that my blood clot is gone I can't get the idea of doing another Solo out of my mind. And what better place to DO a Solo than at Nationals. Which JUST happen to be 1.5 hours away from XXC World HQ (AKA my house). I of course would like to do the Leesburg Bakers Dozen again too, except this year race it with a little more focus. Last year I just raced until I hit 100 miles and bailed.

I suffered last season. I suffered a lot. I thought that with no real job I would have mad time to train and get fitter. It ended up that I didn't have as much time as I thought and I got slower. Much slower. The blood clot thing f*cked with my head, having younger, faster friends, made me feel old fat and slow. And my race results showed it. I wasn't even racing for mid pack (my norm) anymore, I was racing to just finish the damn thing with some dignity (fail).

So here we are approaching Christmas. I'm 12 pounds over my normal race weight, and have a race on January 9th. I have been feeling fit on the bike, but of course want to slim down and try to get mentally back on mid pack track by the time the REAL season rolls around. Not easy for someone with a history of obesity (but it's been a while), depression, and a pension for sucking.

When last season ended, you may have noticed on the blog I was pretty content to say "f*ck it, my days of racing are done, time to just ride." BUT I just can't. I've never won anything in my racing career. I had two 3rd place finishes (a 6 & a 12 hour), a 2nd (12 hour, but paid out NOTHING), and 2nd place overall in the MASS Endurance series a few years ago behind The Vegan. My failures far outweigh my accomplishments, but yet as the new year approaches I found myself drawn to want to keep racing. WTF??

I never got into endurance racing to win or win stuff. I got into it because it was WAY more than just trying to win. It's seeing new places, riding new trails, meeting new friends and pushing yourself mentally and physically. I lost sight of that in 2009. I want to get it back in 2010. I will get it back. It won't come at Southern Cross, or even in the spring, but it will come. I know it will.

I have no thoughts about "competing," just to get some fitness, and some dignity back and MAYBE resume my place in the middle of the mid pack, instead of the tail end of the mid pack. Too much time has me thinking of what races I will race to accomplish these goals. What races will I race? Will I get my fitness back to where I want? Who knows? But it will be damn fun trying.

As far as not enough time, that has more to do with Christmas (NOT a fan). I have NO gift bought yet and only a few days to get them. Money is of course tight and I have my mind going a million different places these days. But again, I know it will get done, and be cool. Just need to chill.

I have some cool things in the works. I continue to work on a XXC Mag race kit for 2009 (I mean 2010, thank Aaron!) and there JUST MIGHT be a printed version of #5 released soon, BUT I have to see some proofs first. It may or may not happen. I'm jazzed for the coming year, for racing, the mag and my family. I'm jazzed to try to get the old me back, but of course damn scared I won't find it.

Time to split. I'm feeling a bit Weez tonight.

Later.