Gatorade: A Conversation

Yep, I use Gatorade to hydrate with most of the time. Well, that and water. 99.9999999% of the time I use the powder because it's not as syrupy sweet as the bottled kind, and it's cheap as eph. Especially if you sell your soul (mine is done gone) and get it at Wal Mart where it's almost free. Of course I sort of avoid my Wal Mart. Not because of any eco/socio/political stance (I have none, about anything really.) but more because I'm afraid I'm gonna catch some sort of nasty ass airborne illness, or festering skin bacteria from the shoppers of my local Mart. It ain't pretty, I mean I once saw a dude there that was completely GRAY!! I thought he was dead!! ANNNY-WAY, I digress....

I'm out of powder, so whilst I was doing the family's grocery shopping (part of my duties as a house husband with a failing business) I ran into this stocky dude sporting a tank top, tattoos and a flat top hair cut in the juice aisle. As I was reaching for the jug o'powder he was getting the 6 pack of bottles and lamenting that the super big sale Giant Eagle was having on them is over. I concurred to be nice, and not be a total douche. Then he asks "how's that powder?" "Just fine to me, not as sweet, I can control how much I take in, and it's cheaper." He was stoked. "REALLY? Get out! That's a great idea!"

As he went to investigate the powder and I gave myself a pat on the back he continued (I was perversely intrigued and stood motionless).... "My boy, he's 15 and plays football. He's only like 139 (my dream weight!), and I'm trying to bulk him up. So everyday I make him a shake with a 150,000 HP blender (he really said that, although I forgot what HP the blender really was. But it might as well be 150,000 HP since I know not the difference) I bought on TV. I put in protein powder, milk, and (I'm not kidding on this one) a couple scoops of ice cream. What I might do is add this to it... Couldn't hurt, right? (no but it would taste like shit) What do you think??"

"Well, if you got the fruit punch flavor, added some fresh strawberries, maybe some bananas, and got all fruity with it, it might not be too bad." He sort of agreed, but I could tell by the look in his Dick Butkus-ian eyes that fruit was NOT on his mind, and if he could (and he just might), he would add a few pork chops and a raw egg or two to that shake. At this point I had to hurry the conversation up, because the longer I stood there, the longer I imagined the taste of Gatorade in a milk shake and I thought I was gonna puke. So I wished him luck, set off, and because of all that freaking ice cream talk soon found myself in the frozen foods aisle for some Ben & Jerry's. Wouldn't you know it, they have a new flavor called Nasty Ass Gatorade & Cream with REAL bits of pork in it!! Damn.

Later.