All That Nut Talk

I should have known better to bring out the crotch talk the other day. And I should have known better to get all geeked up on all the nice spring weather that we were finally getting here in Michigan. So what happened?

The week's weather has been shit. Plain and simple. This is a tricky one to bitch about due to the fact that there have been whole towns wiped off the map here in the U.S. due to tornadoes. For that I thank God that MP is not experiencing that. BUT 46 degrees and rain at the end of May is NOT something I envisioned. But the rain WILL help firm up all that sand up at Hanson Hills. Pack that shit down, 'cause daddy ain't so fond of the uphill sand pit for 100 miles! OK, so the heat is on in my house rather than the A/C, and it's late spring/early summer. BFD. What about your crotch Jason?

Oh yeah, my crotch. Thanks for asking (I love talking about my crotch. Not as much as burps, farts, and poo, but I dig it). Looks like the taint zit is gone. BONUS! But it also looks like once again I have slightly strained a nut at the gym whilst doing some leg presses. So me and my ballz are pretty pissed right now, because if it WASN'T 46 degrees and raining in late May, I would have been out riding and would have NOT strained a nut. But then again I may have made the taint pimple worse. F*CKING CATCH 22s!! In reality it's not that bad and it gives me an excuse to touch, think, and talk about my crotch. Another bonus!!

I am of the opinion that the crotch is the least talked about parts of cycling, yet one of the most important. Folks will talk about leg strength, heart rates, power meters, and nutrition until they're blue in the face (with a max HR of 189), but avoid talking about the part of the body that is grinding into the saddle for 2 to 24+ hours (depending on which way your endurance hammer swings). Of course if you're riding less than 2 hours, wear jeans and go commando for all I care.

Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, people talk about the crotch, but it's usually covered up with talk of chamois cream and what short pads are best, or talk of sore asses. Truth be told yeah, the ass does play a part in the ride, and yes I have had more than a few cases of scorching chap ass, but in reality it's the crotch that takes much of the abuse. Truth hurts doesn't it?

All this is mostly (if you're a dude) due to the amount of areas that can be affected. Basically you got yourself a "T" zone with a dangling participle. And that's a lot of stuff to be grinding into the saddle and a lot of stuff to try to keep happy. I have done a LOT of research, and would love to go at length about the female crotchial area AKA the "Melvin" (my word, don't bother Googling it), but feel that I shouldn't or risk loosing the one female reader I have (and that is just a guess that I even have that many).

So where am I going with all this? Not sure. Just that yes, the ass can play a part in a rides comfort, and God knows a long ride/race after a night of Mexican food and beer has left me wishing I had put some Preparation-H in my pack. And yes a good saddle can be a great asset (no pun intended, I guess), but you really need to care for the crotch. Become one with it. Love it. It's your only crotch. I've used a variety of lubes, ointments, and direct from China herbs on my loins in attempt to give it well lubed comfort on a ride. Some have worked, some have sucked post-Chili Night chamois pad.

I now believe in lubing anything and everything below the equator with something, anything. The Ol' Chap, the dangling bits, the buttocks, the crevice, the cheeks. Get it all. Right now I am using Chamois Butt'r. But I have used Bag Balm (the term bag balm makes me think of the whole loony Tea Bagger movement, yuck on both parts), Vaseline, and Udderly Smooth, Hell over the past 20 years I've probably used EVOO in a pinch. Word is that the Bag Balm and Vaseline can play havoc with your shorts and also play a part in clogging up the pores in the under carriage, so beware of that. I have had no issues with my shorts, but as I have mentioned here a few times, I have had more than my share of taint zits. I thought it was due to eating chocolate, fried foods and masturbating (not that I do that. Yuck), but turns out it might have been from my lube. My bad.

For the love of God, I STILL don't know where I am going with all this except to keep talking about my crotch. I think I will just end the post now, before I start talking at length about the Melvin. I also apologize for the lack of pics in this post, but I have a feeling that any pics I could have/would have posted would have resulted in termination from your place of employment.

Watch your crotch, 'cause if you ain't watchin' it, who is??

Later.