Always Wondering, Always Trying

I did not ride today I was going to, but I was busy, real busy. So I ended up going to the gym for a quick workout. This is not by accident when I opt to go to the gym and not on a short ride. See I can easily look at the clock and be like "OK, the gym sucks donkey dong, I'm out of here." But when I'm on the bike, I have to feel pretty damn shitty to say "Oh, an hour is up? Time to head home." Sure I love riding. I'd have to be some sort of Redneck-psycho-Fox TV type freak not to love it, but there are times that I just have to do what I gotta do to get through the day, week, month, year, life.

XXC #12 is to be out by the end of the week, I have to be in a slow car to Pittsburgh by the end of the week, I have to try to not gain 10 more pounds by the end of the week, I have to try to not have my liver fail by the end of the week, and I have to try to not go totally fucking insane by the end of the week. Good times.

The XXC stuff is not a big deal... it's only my job and passion and if it's a few days late, I doubt anyone will notice since they surely have better(?) things to read. But I still wonder how many times do you do something before you admit failure? How many times do you crash trying to clear a hay-noose rock garden before you say "you know what... I think it would be faster just to walk."? For that matter, how many times can I do a gravel ride and take a photo of some farmers irrigation thing-a-ma-bob? I must have taken 100 pics of these stupid things since I moved to Michigan. I had seen them on trips out West years ago, but never ever rode my bike so close to them. They draw me in. I am their bitch. I love them. I hate them.


To this day I have not taken one photo that I thought truly captured what I was feeling, what I was seeing, and what I THOUGHT the photo COULD be concerning these stupid things. To this day I think the same about every ride, issue of XXC, and day of my life. Did I do everything I could to make it the best. All too often the answer is no, I did not.

I am approaching the age of 40 in less than a month. Part of me says "dude you didn't even start living until you were 22" (until then I was about 300 pounds of human waste), and part of me says-- " you know what, just do whatever the hell you want. You're about half way home, so just ride it on out. Grrrrrr! I find that part of me IS doing that. The whole DVT/depression thing, and what I have to do (various meds n'at) to try to keep it all in check (at times unsuccessfully) has me saying "fuck it" more often than not.

Having said all that hyper boil, the question remain.... Will I stop taking photos of those Goddamn irrigation thing-a-bobs? Will I stop riding and racing? Will I end XXC anytime soon? Ah ... no? While I might not do everything right, and might not be the slimmest, fastest racer anymore (not that I ever was), there is a want to not go down with the ship looking like a fool. If I "die trying" so be it. There are worse things. So the answer?...

Nope.

Much of what I do can/could/might kill me sooner rather than later, I still need to try things. Like FINALLY getting a pic of one of those stupid irrigation things that sums up what I am feeling when I take it!!! Then I'll work on the other stuff.

Fuck it.

I mean "later."