I could lament more about yesterday's cold, wet, muddy, suck fest at the Grampian Challenge, but I won't. F*ck it, it's just bike racin'. (BTW, when I say "suckfest," I of course mean ME, not the race, the race was great. The best thing about the race, was that this is just year ONE for the race, it can only get better. Next year I long for more single track OR to combine the race with the Ronde Van Stony!! Oh snap, that would rock. It could be epic. OK, I'll stop. Whatever a great way to ride new gravel roads and new (to me) singletrack.
Having said all that crap, I will say and I will post these pics and I will get crude, 'cause that's sort of what I do. (We all have our callings. Sadly all my calling make me look like an immature idiot and make me no money whatsoever. I hate my life. Really, it needs to change).
You know, it wasn't the muddy race course that pissed me off yesterday, that's racin'; it was the muddy parking lot that put the hurt on my Adidas Gazelles whilst I changed. Curse you vile mud! You know they are made of suede. SUEDE!!
PUBIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Oh yeah, Never drop your undies in the mud as you dress after the race, 'cause A. they will be wet, dirty and nasty. B. they will look like you shit yourself and force you to freeball it for the drive home. No big deal to me; I dig the air and the freedom, but I'm pretty sure the McDonald's staff sensed my free-swingingness when I stopped on the way home. To them I say "Don't judge me, and hurry the f*ck up with my Mc-F*cking Chickens, I'm starving here!!!"
This is my bike and number plate post race (yes, that IS a glimmer of sun). I have feeling there is some (not so) witty, crude, comment about my number being 96 and not 69, but for the life of me in my current inebriated state (not to be confused with yesterday's, tomorrow's or next week's inebriated state.) I can't come up with it.
I used my Salsa Ti El Mariachi. What a great freaking bike. I love this bike. Too bad my shifting was all jacked up. I think I need some new cables. Conditions were not the best so I don't want to judge (I'm not judging, I'm "just sayin'"). But what a great bike. I love it. But then again I love ALL my bikes, especially the one I'm on.
Did you know I saw a camel during yesterday's race. For realz. Somebody had a f*cking camel. A big ass, humped back (BACK!), SHOULD be living in the f*cking desert and NOT cold ass Michigan camel. Strange.
Burrs. I hate 'em. Especially when they stick around (OHHHH! Get it?? Stick around?? Get it? Burrs...) after a crash. These fellas joined me at about mile 4 when I ate mud in a corner and then they hung on for 35 more miles, adding 12 grams to my 200 pound body. THIS is why I finished 31 out of 38 experts. It's a conspiracy! I have NO doubt. I blame the burrs. And right wing, conservative America (of course) for this. F*cking twats.
Did I mention yesterday that I'm pretty sure the only reason I race these days is to enjoy a $1 McChicken (Or 3, YES, I ate three, get off my f*cking back) on the way home? They are the BEST!! And when you hit the spot with the big, giant gob of mayo... Oh sweet Jezzzus, it lights up my loins like no other!! I'm pretty sure that Ronald McDonald and crack whore pimps are one in the same.
I gotta go make dinner and fill my gut now.
Oh wait I forgot this...
My friend Craig from the UK (someone I met several years ago merely by asking about a bike review on a website), is the man behind Onix Bikes. It seems as much as I hated my old job at the f*cking Tribune-suck my-b*lls-Review he hated his job (also in the printing industry), said "f*ck it" and started his own business (like someone else I know). Things are going well (at least for him) and recently Onix did up a promo video and Craig shared it with me (Thanks!). Take a look... not only at the amazing riding but his company as well. Life gives you a kettle full of shit. Make lemonade, right?
So if you're into the whole road bike thing, and want a fine ride I urge you to be in touch with him. For now, I am just going to enjoy this clip. I have a weak spot for cycling videos.