Baking Hams

There were a wide variety of things I could have done today, including: going kayaking (for the first time ever) or canoeing (for about the 4th time ever) with friends on the the mighty Chipp, go for a dirt road ride in 90 degree heat, or sleep in and lay around on the couch snoring and farting right along with Jake The Dog.

In the end, I poo-pooed the kayak attempt, saving that for a possible July 4th adventure when we go up to a friend's cabin on one of Meeeshegan's 1 billion lakes (not the actual number of lakes OR the proper spelling of Michigan, I know). So I embraced the idea of the 90˙dirt road ride. Plus to fuck up and drowned on a holiday carries WAY more publicity with it. Just saying'.

To be completely honest, I did sleep in just a bit and did indeed lay on the couch snoring and farting along with Jake The Dog as well. BTW, you know what smell's worse than a J.T.D. fart? A Soiled Chamois fart all wrapped up in the remnants of a late night, unneeded pitcher of Marty's Bar PBR with friends. Too much information? I thought as much. Hey, no one is forcing you to read this shit, so back off amigo!!!

I did manage to get out to ride before it worked its way up to 90, but that did not last too long. I knew it was gonna be dog ball hot, so I utilized my uber small CamelBak along with two bottles, plus I took some cash so that if I came upon a mini mart or something I could jiggle my lycra ensconced belly inside and get some cool hydration. What could go wrong baby??

A few miles of pavement and there I was rolling dirt. I never get sick of the dirt road ride options that I have here. Sure, I love singletrack. I'm a mountain biker for Christ-sake, but when you get down to it I am really a lover of all things dirt…. A dirt worshipper if you will. Tires rolling dirt, whether on singletrack, doubletrack, dirt roads, gravel roads or the lawn of the jerk next door. DIRT BITCHES!

The legs felt good and the mind was clear but I have to say that the my butt felt like someone took a cheese grater and rubbing alcohol to it. Stupid spicy pasta concoction!! WHERE'S MY BRAIN!?? (apparently in my blood red ass!).

In the end (no pun intended), the ride was great. Sure, it was hot, I ran out of water with 6 miles to go, etc., but that is riding in 90-freaking-degree heat, that is what I do…. wait, NO, that is what WE do. I've ridden in 0˚ weather, I've ridden in 90˚ weather. THAT is life, no… scratch that, that is life as a cyclist. EVEN for someone like me, who these days seems to be a "cyclist" in the absolute slackest form of the word (which is somewhere in between someone who rides with a big, fuzzy ass sweating seat and upright bar ends and someone who uses a power meter and knows how to use it. I hate me. No, I hate cycling. No I don't, it just sounded good to say that. But I DO hate me.

Even with all the self loathing, I had a great ride. There were parts that sucked, there were parts that were as smooth as a freshly shaved…um… chicken (?), there were parts that were rougher than the fists of 99 to life female inmate. In other words it was fun, er I mean it sucked? I don't know! Pick one!!

All in jest of course… anytime on the bike is fun, even when you run out of water 6 miles from the finish. It's not like I was going to die or anything, hell it was only 50 miles! Everyone fucking relax!!! But seriously, I could have died (not really, I just like being dramatic).

Singletrack one day, dirt roads the next, and some nice miles this week. I'll take that.

BTW, I have pics, they're on my desktop commuter, I am typing on the laptop. It can wait, I'm sure no one is too concerned.

Later.