Ouch Part IV, Down But Not Out

After a restless night of sleep and and a painful morning of trying to work I gave into Wifey and forced myself to go to get in touch with the doctor. Hey it only took five days, but I did it.

As I thought I couldn't just go to the office, so I had to go to the ER. UG! Thoughts immediately went back to my last ER visit down at Mercy Hospital in Pittsburgh. I clearly remember Wifey and I walking in and finding ourselves behind a handcuffed, half naked black woman, draped in a towel (to cover up the nasty bits) being escorted by the Pgh. Police. It was brilliantly tragic. I then waited for 2 hours to be seen IN the waiting room by the doctor and was charged $150. Again- brilliantly tragic.

But you do what you gotta do, so I sucked it up and made the 2 minute drive to the hospital prepared to wait for hours with more pantsless folk.

As luck would have it I only waited about 10 minutes and the hospital staff was uncharacteristically nice. The next thing I knew I was amazing the doctors and nurses with the sight of my swollen arm and deep black, blue and purple bruises. I was sort relieved that they didn't feel like I was just being a pussy with some black and blue marks.

I was also relieved that the x-ray revealed that while I look like I was beaten with a baseball bat and in pain, there was NOTHING broken, cracked, etc., in my arm and shoulder. SWEET! Since Advil was doing nothing for me, I was of course given some high powered industrial grade pain meds to help try to ease the pain. Thank God, 'cause gritting my teeth was starting to get old. I do wish they worked just a LITTLE better. Of course I haven't tried mixing them with some Dancing Bull yet, but there's always the weekend (before you comment, I am joking).

All in all the process to get peace of mind lasted about an hour and a half. About 6 hours less than I thought. Hopefully the pain will improve a bit more and the swelling will continue to improve.

At least this whole thing has given me some blog fodder, 'cause God knows I don't have much else to blather about.

Later.

Ouch Part III, Still Down

I now enter the 5th day of pain and sloth. Frig. I really thought the arm would be better by now, but it's really not. I am getting some movement back and did "work out" on the treadmill yesterday, but since hardly a sweat was broken over an hour, I really can't call it a workout... I think it's more a waste of my time. Today I am going to try see how the on the bike position feels and try to get a workout in on the stationary trainer.

For the record, my arm is not usually that big and chubby grandma looking. It's swollen, I SWEAR!!

I'm not going to lie, I've sort of been "self medicating" by drinking beer. That seemed to work and it least made me forget about the pain, but in the end it has just made me feel like more of a fat sloth. It's funny how just a few days off the bike can make one feel like there is NO way you'll be in shape to race in a month or ever ride again, ha! So after 4 nights of beers, I have to say I am officially tired of it. Turning to it for relief was a dumb idea and not good for me at all. Plus it's not all that fun when you're doing it by yourself, just to try to relieve some pain. Sort of makes you feel one step away from being an old man, living alone in a dirty apartment at the YMCA, slowing drinking yourself to death. Just dumb. But then again, I never claimed to be the brightest. Plus I don't think you can rent rooms at the YMCA anymore.

Why don't you just go to the doctors you idiot?

Not sure, I hate going to the doctors, I hate going to the hospital. To me it just seems like a waste for this. I am 99% sure I didn't break anything, and figured they would just send me for a bunch of tests and give me pain medication, so why bother. I am also very uncomfortable with all the body exposure that goes down at the doctors and hospital. Being a former 300 pound fatty will f*ck your mind up a bit with stuff like that. Well, if I don't see further progress by Monday, I plan to suck it up and go. Frig.

Bright sides?

Yes, I have been looking at the bright sides, or at least attempting, here is what I came up with...

• I could have crashed out on Crawford, which is a busier road and could have resulted in me crashing, THEN getting smashed by a car. Not good.

• It's just my arm. Not my skull or other harder to heal body part and or organ.

• It could have come closer to the season and really thrown me a racing c*ck block.

• The arm pain has made me forget about how f*cked my back is.

• Other riders and racers have suffered WAY more serious injuries, some fatal. A bruised/sprained/God I hope it's not and is probably not separated shoulder is not the end of days. It's just a pain in the balls (or arm as it were).

• And lastly... It appears my bike survived its meeting with the pavement. While a new bike would be nice, it's not in the financial cards. Hooray for the Jake's survival.

OK, time to eat some breakfast and then see if I can get Wifey to help me get my bibs on so I can try to ride the trainer. That won't be embarrassing at all. At least I haven't had to have her help me wipe (yet).

Later.

P.M. EDIT: OK, I was able to ride semi pain free. SWEET! Got an hour in on the trainer with the only pain coming in the form of some sharp twinges reaching over to grab my sweat towel and when repositioning myself after a shift. THANK GOD! Felt SO good to burn some calories in the saddle, even if the bike wasn't moving at all. I did fail on my pledge to not have any drinks tonight. I figured (wait, this is an excellent excuse) I only have a couple beers in the fridge, I might as well finish them and start the week fresh. Right? I'm a sad excuse for a man. Later.

Ouch, Part II

Black Ice Arm, Day II: Day 2 is always the worst. Thing swell, stiffen and get all painful and shit.

So as you can imagine there was no riding today. Just work, the occasional laying on the couch watching adult HBO features whilst I iced my shoulder (and other things), and a trip to the post office to mail some checks to some XXC contributors (thanks!).

I want to be depressed about a freak fall on black ice, but the way I see it I've escaped injury or a couple years now, I was due. Plus it's an excuse to drink a lot of beer to kill the pain. Fuck the doctor, the beer store is where it's at.

So the arm is huge, the skin is black, blue, yellow, and purple and I have no elbow, just a fat baby dimple. Fuck. BUUUUTTTTTT. After interview Mike Simonson for XXC #15 and seeing how he came back from a stick to the throat and various spine and neck breaks, I would feel like a Grade 'A' pussy talking about a sore arm/shoulder. Shit heals, that is he beauty of the human bod (unless we're talking about chicks, then it's a few more things).

We're due for 3 to 6 inches of snow tomorrow. Good, at least now I have excuse beyond the leg sized arm for not riding.

Later.

Do NOT Say Black Ice

Something was NOT right about me riding today from the get go. I didn't feel right mentally, I kept forgetting things, I couldn't find matching socks, I couldn't find my base layers, the whole thing was fucked. I wanted to just ride the trainer, especially when I looked outside and saw the wind blowing our trees around. If the wind is blowing hard here in town, that means out on the farm roads it's blowing like a mother fornicator. But it was going to be 45 and sunny, how could I NOT ride outside????

One block from the house I thought "damn this wind sucks." Four blocks from the house I turned to cut through Mill Pond Park to get to my loop's roads. I cruise the paved trail, saw a walker coming towards me, moved left to avoid him BAMMMMM! I hit a patch of ice and went down like a 200 pound sack of lycra clad fat and bricks.

SHIIIIITTTTT! MY SHOULDER!! F! F! F!

Me: FUCK! FUUUUUCK!!! OUCH!!
Walker: Are you OK?
Me: Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine....
Walker: Gotta watch that "black ice."
Me: (thinking) Oh NO you didn't!!!! I HATE that fucking term. "Black ice," seems a bit racial to me.

OK, OK, I can lift my arm, move my shoulder and arm, the bike feels fine, time to pull up my big boy gutchies and keep going. I mean at least it was some old dude that saw my fat ass fall and not some hot CMU sorority girl. Right?

While the knee hurt a little, I am more concerned about my dry skin, I mean I look like a dead snake. Me thinks I will have to dip into Wifey's skin lotions tonight. I can feel my legs getting softer and sexier as I type.

OK, I am NOT into this ride, but maybe the ride will do me good after that painful clusterfuck. I keep on Crawford, trying to stick to pavement, the shoulder is OK.... "Oh that's looks cool, I should take a pic." I think. "Where's my camera? You know my freaking Canon s95 freaking camera that I put in my jacket's rear pocket!!!" SHIT!!

I was convinced that my camera "jumped ship" during the fall. Then I tried to remember if I ever even put in in my jacket. "F! Should I turn back?" UG!!

I pedaled on, trying to convince myself that A. my shoulder didn't hurt, and B., I didn't jut lose a $450+ camera. I could not get past either of those. Then I turned right and went straight into a strong cold headwind that slowed me and the Jake down from 20+ mph to about 8.

I turned around.

"Fuck this" I though. I headed back from whence I came. Stopped at the park, looked for my camera, saw nothing. Said "fuck it" yet again and went home. When I arrived home just about 11 miles later my camera was setting on the table, my should was stiffening and my knee warmers were sticking to my knees. Great. Great fucking ride. I hate my life.

Hindsight, 20/20, blah, blah, blah.... My shoulder hurts like a bitch. I am about to finish a sixer of Storm King just to kill the pain, and my riding looks to be on a hold for a day or two. At least I THINK. Who knows? HATE! Fucking walkers. Ha!

Later.

Time for more "medication."

The 41st

Today was President's Day. Big whoop, right? For the most part I believe in the Office of the President about as much as I believe in Santa Claus. As far as I'm concerned every politician can suck it. And by "it," I mean "it."


Having said all that, it didn't stop me from celebrating President's Day by going on a nice ride. The plan was a 50 mile loop of mostly pavement. But once again I ran out of pavement and was forced to take to the gravel and dirt roads. Since the game of pretending that I could get a snowless, mudless ride in was over, I just chucked it all and went ballz deep in the mud. Shit, I'm replacing most of the Jake's drive train in the spring anyway, I might as well REALLLY fuck it up.


The deep mud roads and snow packed dirt roads ("snirt roads" as my friend Mike calls them) made for some SLOW going at times and had me digging deep to power through stuff that would have been easy in the dry. It figures... when it's dry or packed snow the wind is howling like a bitch (meaning lady dog, not that mean lady that works at the DMV or your ex-girlfriend) in heat, when there's no wind, the roads are like riding on through a swamp. Just another way to have fun and make up for the lack of climbing I suppose. Still, a warm, windless, dry ride would be very much appreciated.


My plan (as I mentioned above) was to roll 50. Instead I ended up with 41 miles after I started getting soaked by the swampy roads and 40 degree temps. Still a good day out in the sun on my bike. In honor of President's Day I dedicated the ride to our 41st President- William J. Clinton. He was the last president I voted for that it actually counted. The last time I ACTUALLY voted was the debacle that was the Gore/Bush election. Since then I have stood by my guns and not given a flying fart about politics. But I'm way off track here. Sorry.

New XXC Magazine is set to drop sometime Tuesday (barring any screw ups on my part). Fingers crossed.

Later.

Slusherday

When I last typed (earlier this a.m.) I was having the Trainer vs Riding in Fresh Wet Snow and Wind debate. Against all better judgment I went outside.

Town roads were sort of dry, then got wet, then got slushy, then snowy and eventually I was riding through lumpy snow drifts out on the dirt roads. Ug.

I regretted my decision to ride quickly and often. BUT I was out there and there wasn't much I could do about it, but keep riding the loop or turn back. It was the whole six/half dozen bullshit thing.

I could write more about the ride, but not seeing any benefit. It was only a short 1:45 ride, but again, I was outside, stink blown off, calories burned, wind burn got, joy found there SOMEwhere.

Oh yeah, I did crash once. First in a while. Grabbed some brake, front tire hit an icy rut and the next thing I new I was eating snow.

The spot above marks where my hulky lycra clad body came to an abrupt halt. All was good and painless though as I fell mostly on the big ass lobster claw gloves I had stuffed in my left love handle pocket.

Pizza and beers at The Bird tonight. Joy.

Later.

Getting It and Taking It

The week was filled with pretty crap weather conditions and enough time on the trainer that at one point on Wednesday I rode 12 minutes, said "f*ck it" and climbed off. In hindsight climbing off was mentally the best thing I could have done. I got a bunch of work done and came back on Thursday (sadly on the trainer) with renewed motivation. But still I needed to be outside and that's just where I went on Friday.

Knowing the dirt roads would be a snow, icy, muddy mess I stuck to pavement (boo!). Not all that fun, but I while I DID have motivation to ride my bike in the cold (but sunny) air, I did NOT have the motivation to deal with cleaning 5 pounds of frozen mud and gravel off of it when I returned home. So I went with my Mt. P. - Beal City paved loop.

As per usual for the half the loop I was treated to ball busting head winds for half the loop and I was treated to "I am a cycling god" tail winds for half as I dealt with heavy traffic coming out of Beal City (see above). Sometimes I think that Beal City should have to change it's name to Beal "City." Ha! Neat little town though.

I wish the sunny skies and warm (40 degree) temps could have held on for one more day so I could have got out for a longer ride, but this time of year I guess I was lucky to be out on the bike at all.

Light snow and slop returned last night and I was undecided on whether I want to deal with it today or retreat to the Not-so-Stankment™ for a marathon trainer session. But having just came in from Jake The Dog's loaf pinch walk, I am a bit more optimistic for the slop. We shall see.

Jake The Dog basks in the Friday sun
(while thinking about a loaf pinch I'm sure).

Later.

How Do You Say?...

How do you say I haven't been doing an ephing thing except riding the trainer and working. UG! This winter has been much better for riding than one would expect here, but it's also sucked ass.

The good is that we've had quite few snowless, rainless, rideable days. That's good, nay great. Then we've had a few days that it's been snowy and cold but the roads are packed down and good for riding the mountain bike on. BUT in between all that for the most part it's been a half ice, half mud, frozen pancake of winter time suck. Not enough snow to make it good for skiing and riding the dirt roads and warm enough to make riding the roads fun or even all that safe. Yeah, I get out, but right now I am just in a "fuck it" sort of mood and am ready for spring. Sadly that is some time away.

Time to retreat back into my hole.

Later.

Not Much

Nothing much going on (or is there???)

Working hard.

Riding little (execpt for a bout 3 or 4 hours) this week! BOOOO!

B-Man turned 8. YIKES!!!

I drank some beer.

As I type I have dress pants and a tie on getting ready to go out to a fund raiser for B-Man's school. It's the first time I've had dress pants or a tie in about a year and a half. Life is good enough. Ha! + They had me at open bar.

Later.

Not Exactly As Planned

This week, unlike last week, has been shit for riding. The weather hasn't been that bad, COLD, but not wet or snowy and suitable (enough) for riding. Still my work load and schedule has fucked me. So be it. I can suck with or without riding 10+ hours a week. Ha!

So, against my will, all but 1 day so far had been inside. CURSES!! Such is life.

Meat shan't loaf.

Later.

Short and Nipply

It was cold out today. I'm soooo tired of being fucking cold. BUT it was sunny and void of snow and ice and THAT is a huge bonus this time of year. Fucking cold, BUT sunny. So I couldn't (even though I tried) bail on a ride, lest I risk scurvy. SO ONCE A FREAKING-GAIN I strapped on 5 layers of clothing and prepared to freeze my titz off in the name of getting a good workout in. The cold did not disappoint, I froze, I lactated, I hated winter.

The plan was not to do a long loop but to get my ass outside, blow the stink off of me and avoid the hell that is the stationary trainer. I probably only rode about 25 miles, but a good lunch-ish-time ride to burn some calories it was.

I took the Jake today, equipped with the newly installed by Terry's Cycles in beautiful downtown Alma, MI TRP Cx9 brakes. While it's still early, they were pretty boss. SSSOOOOO much better than the cantilevers that I had on. BTW there will be more on these brakes at xxcmag.com soon.

That would be the headwind. VILE BEAST!!!

Ride temps were about 30 degrees and the first half of the ride was into a 20 mph headwind, so it felt like it was about 12 degrees and I was riding with a 16 ton weight on my shoulders. I wanted to shoot myself in the face for having gone out. BUT I was out there, doing shit and if I figured if I pedaled harder it will be over faster. Right? Not so much.

A little peak at the CX9s. Good stuff. So far.

Finally I got out of the headwind and was now the ever so slutty recipient of a 20 mph tail wind. FUCK YEAH!! Uphill at 28 mph, using a cross bike with a 46t big ring and 40c knobby tires. WOOT! WOOT! I probably could have come close to a land speed record for Clydesdale fuck ups if I would have been on a proper road bike. But alas, I was just a fuck up on his bike on a cold sunny day in central Michigan.

Don't forget the Fish Fry at the Blue Bar in Beal City on Friday. BTW, Beal City has TWO streets, two bars, a gas station (or at least a gas PUMP) and a church (I think). CITY?? Ha! I love it!!

A ride was had, calories were burned and it wasn't on the trainer. My left nut for a 60 degree day right now. Then again, NORMALLY we have snow, so fuck it. YEAH FOR30 DEGREES AND SUN!!

It was good to be outside today. I hate winter, but I love this winter.

Later.

Can I Get One More With Extra Mud and Extra Ice?

Like a moth to a flame, like a fly to a fresh turd, like white to rice, I found myself drawn outdoors for yet another ride today. Before I knew what hit me this morning I found myself squeezing my various saggy flabby bitz into a kit in preparations to head out for another ride. Cold(ish)? Yes, but bright sun and blue sky... in February... in MICHIGAN! YES!! Yeah, yeah, sooner or later I know that Ma Nature is gonna use the whole fist on us, but I'm not really not gonna sit around waiting for that to happen, I'm gonna ride.

I was not so violently forced to take the TiEM out again since the Jake is still at Terry's. Done, but still at Terry's. So I rolled my knobs on pavement, dirt roads, mud, ice, snow, mud, slush and mud. I said mud right?

I'm not gonna lie, the chilly temps and constant pedaling that is required by riding a knobby tired mountain bike on tiny nubbin boob hilled dirt roads really takes it out of me. It can just be relentless pedaling, add in some icy roads, some soul/tire sucking mud and it just makes it that much more of a pain in the balls. But again WHO THE EPH AM I TO SAY NO TO RIDING OUTSIDE IN FEBRUARY?

Smooth, rolling pavement gave way to tacky dirt roads, tacky dirt roads gave way to stretches of solid ice in the shade of tall pines, solid ice gave way to slush, to be followed by more tacky mud which then gave way to wet, bukaka like spattering of mud and road sludge. Good times indeed... I think my bike hates me.

Blackburn fender has been one of my best purchases in recent months. Stays tight, keeps the mud off my dandling ass. Good stuff.

This week's ride have all been similar distances and lengths (except for Monday & Tuesday which were hour rides on the trainer) but I am shocked at the rides seemed WAY longer. I mean today was the longest at just under 3 hours and I felt like I was out for six. I think it must have to be the chill in the air. Surely it's not that I am out of shape? Right? RIGGGGHHHHTTTT????

This photos could have been better. As it was, I was having an "OH SHIT!!" moment on solid ice. Why I felt the need to try to take a photo instead of holding on and praying not to fall, I have NO idea. Me = idiot.

I have no plans to ride tomorrow. I want to sleep. I want to sleep long and hard. I want a sleep that is the equivalent of hard core porn. Wait, I don't know what that means.... forget that. I just want to sleep. But I am 110% sure that between Jake The Dog's need to shit and piss and a mind filled with its normal torment I will sleep no more than five or six hours. UG!

I have to say that this week was titz (ride wise, work/life wise it made me want to set myself on fire and run through a mall. What, too drama queen?). I got in about 11 hours of saddle time. Shit, there's times that I don't get that much in during the height of my mediocre summer riding and race season.

Later.

More Mud, Angry Dogs & Barns

The mild winter continues, so I continue to make hay while the sun shines. Or in this case while the various shades of grey and brown shine. The temperatures have been on the "not bad" side, in the low 40s, but the lack of sun combined with perpetually wet and mud of the back roads has it feeling colder than it is. But it ain't snow, so I'll take it!

I continued to explore the roads and dirt roads north west of town. Got out for a couple hours and burned a good deal of calories. No real use blathering about it. It's wasn't that long of a ride, it was just another ride filled with muddy roads, angry dogs and barns. But just like the weather, I'll take it.

Later.

Slight Modifications

Today was like yesterday with some slight modifications. I rode a tiny bit further, on a different bike and rode about 80% of the time on dirt roads which ranged from tacky, to muddy, to sheets of ice. The ride only clocked in at a bit over two hours, but the bonus is that I found fresh to me dirt (roads) and I now know how to hook them up with the stuff to the south that I usually ride. This makes the possibility of a dirty (sanchez) century a very real possibility this spring.

With the Jake in the shop getting brake love, I took the Ti El Mariachi out. I realized yet again that I am an utter whore when it comes to my bikes. Yesterday I took the Jake out and thought "riding the cross bike on these shit roads and dirt roads is the best ever." Today I took the TiEM out and thought "riding the hardtail on these shit roads and dirt roads is the best ever."

Even though there is a definite chill in the air and some occasional ice on the roads, I gotta say I am stoked to be out riding my bike for the 2nd day in a row.... in February! Hoping to make it three in a row tomorrow. I hope.

Later.

Ride The Funk Out

Nothing can get one down like the reality of what a small business ACTUALLY "brings home" after all the debits and expenses. I guess on the bright (red) side, I really won't be paying any taxes this year! Ha!

But funk be damned, the fully loaded shit cart of life moves on! And like I always say "when life hands you shit, throw it at someone else." OK, maybe not that, but at least take advantage of the melted ice, get on the bike and go ride. And that's just what I did today.

The ride was not long (just 1:40), nor hard (hello, 1% elevation gain or some such cow shit like that), but it was nice and a way better workout than sitting on the trainer... AGAIN!

I planned on doing all paved roads, but as per usual the planned loop threw me some unexpected muddy, wet curve balls (DAMN YOU MAPMYFUCKINGRIDE.COM AND YOUR SLOW ASS WEB SITE FOR NOT LETTING ME ZOOM IN ENOUGH TO SEE WHETHER THE ROAD IS DIRT OR PAVEMENT!!). Oh well, at least I was prepared for it with the CX bike and fender.

Nothing like a slog over a muddy farm road or two into a headwind at 10-11 mph and the heart rate at 155+. I guess I can call that my "hill."

The rural Michigan lanscape is littered with old, pre-DISH Network satellite dishes. Well I ASSUME that they are TV dishes, for all I know NASA or the CIA took to hiding their dishes in the middle of Rectal Fornication, Michigan. At least these folks dressed theirs up a bit--

After I got home I needed to bust ass to get the Jake cleaned up and get down to Terry's Cycles in Alma to drop the bike off for some brake & headset love. Took a few extra minutes since my slop bucket was left outside and frozen. CUSS!!

Ice thawed, bike washed, ass scrubbed, trip to Alma complete, B-Man picked up, work worked on. Dinner ate, etc., etc.,

You would think that after seeing that I made less money than most 11 year old paper boys (or 50 year old drunken hobos) in 2011 I would not be thinking about bikes and purchases there of. But I am. My thought is to ditch my road bike (frame and some parts since I haven't ridden it in over a year) and my cross bike (frame and some parts) get something cross-disc like for gravelish-dirt-riding and UltraCX type racing/riding. Many things would have to come together for that, including some disc wheel swapping from my hard tail as I make room for a possible set of wheels that may be coming my way in the near future to try out. Time will tell. OR I might just say "fuck it" and ride and race the shit I got until it falls apart and THEN move on. Either way, it's all good (enough).

Later.